The Wrong Woman, in the Right Place
by darthsquirt2
Summary: All the news vids and Extranet articles said the same thing. They each talked about Akuze, and how Shepard was the only one to live through it. They were wrong. She hadn't survived the battle of Akuze. She was still fighting it. This is the story of an emotionally scarred soldier, from Akuze, to Virmire, to Illos and beyond.
1. Prologue: Massacre on Akuze

The transport buckled as it dropped through the atmosphere. Inside the dropship, Sergeant Major Avery Shepard was jostled in her restraints.

"Any idea what we're doin' here Sarge?" A man sitting to her left asked, struggling to be heard over the roar of the vessel's descent. Shepard turned to face him.

"No clue." She shouted back. "It's gotta be big though. They deployed the whole company." She patted the rifle beside her. "And they don't send sniper support on milk runs." The man nodded.

"I hear that."

Another soldier walked down the shuttle and slipped into a free seat on Shepard's other side.

"Lighten up there Ave." She grinned, looking at Shepard. "You look like you're attending a funeral." The man on the other side of Shepard laughed at that.

"Don't worry LT. She always looks like that."

Shepard rounded on him. "Shut up Toombs." But the icy tone was gone from her voice. Shepard felt a hand clap her shoulder.

"That right there is why you'll never be command material Shep. You can make that rifle dance, but you can't handle people worth a damn."

"Sure I can. Shepard grinned too. "It only takes one round. Besides, you don't need people skills as an N7. All you need is skill."

It was true. In fact, it was the reason Shepard had been invited to join the N7 program. Her biotics were exceptional-she'd been exposed to an eezo reactor on route to Mindor as a child-but she made sniping into an _art_. She punched her friend lightly on the shoulder.

"So what about you Ali, have you decided whether or not to accept."

"Just because you signed up in a heartbeat," Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Okay." Ali held up her hands to chest level, palms out, in mock surrender. "_Between_ heartbeats. But it's a tougher choice for me. Some of us actually _like_ the people we serve with."

"I'll try not to take that as an insult ma'am." Toombs chuckled.

Shepard shook her head, smiling faintly. It felt good, having friends.

"Lieutenant Hills." The pilot called back to them. "We're five minutes out."

Ali stood and moved to the center of the shuttle. She grabbed a handhold above her and began calling out orders to the unit.

"Okay people, we're three minutes out. Sullian, You're boys are on point. Second through third squads…"

Shepard tuned her out, turning instead to Toombs. "You got your act together Corporal?"

He patted his assault rifle and spotter scope. "Gotcha covered Sarge."

Shepard nodded. Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was about to go very wrong.

_"They don't send sniper support on milk runs."_

* * *

Shepard was lying on her stomach, tucked into a small crevice on a ridge. Beyond her lay a large, flat expanse. Akuze's primary settlement prospect. She scanned the plain through the scope of her sniper rifle. Beside her Corporal Toombs did the same with a pair of binoculars.

"Shepard, come in." Her comm buzzed.

"Shepard here." She responded, her eyes never leaving the scope.

"Are we clear?"

Shepard paused. The feeling of unease had only gotten worse since their arrival planetside. She could call it off, _should_ call it off. Something was very wrong here. A feeling of dread filled the air. But it was just a feeling.

"You're clear."

Below her, the marines fanned out along the plain. Shepard continued to scan the area, looking for anything, _anything_ that would justify calling off the mission. As she continued to survey the area, a small stream caught her eye and refused to let go. She stared out at the rippling surface of the water, wondering why it seemed so important. And then it hit her. The stream wasn't flowing. It was_ rippling_.

"Pull out! Everyone pull back to the ridge now!" Shepard shouted, spamming the general channel. "Get the hell out of there!"

The order came a second too late. Just as the soldiers below began to move, the ground below them shifted. Suddenly, several large, scalled worms erupted from the ground, tearing into the marines. _Thresher Maws_ Shepard's memory reported to her. The floor of the plain disappeared in a cloud of dust. The radio was soon drowned out with screams and gunfire as the troops below attempted to fight their way back to the ridge. It was a futile gesture though. More and more Thresher Maws erupted from the ground, spewing venom and thrashing their arms about. Shepard swung her rifle around, firing madly. She got a grim sense of satisfaction as one of the creatures lost an antennae. Another's arm was badly mangled. A third took a round in the tongue before retreating underground. Recycling the bolt, Shepard uttered a silent prayer of thanks that she'd brought HE-AP (High Explosive Armor Piercing) rounds for her rifle. Shell after shell was ejected from her rifle, but even as she felled several of the creatures, more kept appearing. Beside her, Toombs fell to the ground, screaming in agony. She spared him a silent glance. He was covered in Thresher Maw venom, she watched as it ate through his armor and began on his skin. Shepard's attention returned to the scope. She heard her partner whimper once, then lie still. As Shepard slammed a new battery into the rifle, she spotted a group of marines advancing towards the ridge, Lt. Hills in the lead. Her left arm ended before the elbow, her right clutched a pistol. Then the ground below them cracked, and yet another Maw shot out of the opening. Roaring, it slashed its arms, sending marines flying. Lt. Hills fell to the ground in front of it, firing her sidearm. Shepard vaulted over the ridge, sliding down it, pumping three rounds into the creature's open mouth in quick succession. The first two rounds exploded inside its body. The third exited through the back of its head. It collapsed to the side with a resounding thud. Shepard reached the corpse, and lifted up her C.O. with her left hand, her right still sported the rifle. Lt. Hills stood, gasping for air.

"Shepard, I have to go back. Cover me from the ridge."

Shepard kept her grip on Ali's arm despite the woman's struggles to get free. Shepard thumbed the thermal sights on her rifle and scanned the dust filled battlefield. She could count the remaining human signatures on her hands.

"Ali." She stated calmly, her eyes fixed firmly on the scope. "It's no use. There's no-one left to save." Shepard's voice sounded cold, even to her.

Lt. Hills rounded on her. "How can you say that?" She shouted. "Those are our people _dying_ out there!"

Her only reply was a slight recoil as Shepard squeezed the trigger. She dropped the rifle, grabbing the bolt as it fell, and then sung the rifle back up, ready to fire. Her left hand never relaxed its grip on her friend's arm.

"Dammit Shepard, you could at least _act_ like you cared!" Tears welled up in her eyes. Shepard opened her mouth to reply, but was cut off by a low rumble. Before her, another Thresher Maw burst from the ground. Shepard dropped her rifle-she didn't have a good angle-and curled tendrils of biotic energy around her right hand. Then she shot it upwards. It connected with the base of one of the monstrosity's antennae, melting it. The useless appendage fell to the ground as its one time host reared in agony. Then it poised again, and shot towards Shepard, intent on eating the annoying pest. Shepard let go of Ali's forearm and gathered all the force she could generate into twin spheres. She prepared to launch them when she felt herself being shoved out of the way. It was a powerful push, laced with biotics. Shepard landed in a heap then feet away, further up the ridge, only able to watch as her friend faced the Thresher Maw, a grenade clutched in her remaining hand. The creature's mouth enveloped her. And Shepard's world dissolved in a flash of white and a splatter of red.

* * *

Sgt. Eric Sinmaz stood at the perimeter, scanning the small expanse in front of him. Something was very wrong. The ground team was due back two hours ago. They hadn't even reported in yet. Sinmaz had ordered his troops to deploy drones to find them, but no dice so far.

"Keep your eyes up everyone." He called out over the comm. "We'll hold here for a few more minutes, until our drones report back."

Several minutes passed. Still nothing. He was about to order his men back to the transports, when a flicker of movement caught his eye.

"We've got movement!" He shouted. "On the ridge!"

He stared ahead, rifle not _quite_ pointed at the figure advancing over the crest of the ridge. One figure. It walked with a heavy limp on its left side, and its right arm was cradled as if broken or dislocated. As it came closer, her saw that it was, in fact, wearing what looked like alliance armor. It was hard to tell. It was soaked in blood.

"Oh God." Eric whispered. "I think it's one of ours."

The figure-obviously feminine-looked like she'd been through hell. _Twice. _Her armor was in tatters. Her helmet had been torn off, its breathing tubes trailed behind her. Blood caked her face and soaked her hair. She staggered forward, still limping severely. Sgt. Sinmaz watched it in horror.

"It's Shepard." He whispered.

She was almost recognizable. She looked nothing like the calm, graceful, and obviously skilled woman who'd stepped off the dropship earlier that day, rifle in hand. Now she just limped past the Sergeant, as if her wasn't there. Her eyes were wide and unblinking. Her mouth hung open slightly. Sinmaz slipped himself under her arm, helping her along. A medic met them at the shuttle. They strapped her into a stretcher in the back, and the medic began to work on her injuries.

"Shepard?" Sinmaz whispered. "What happened? Where are the others?"

As soon as the words left his mouth, her regretted uttering them, fearful of what the response would be. Shepard broke her thousand yard stare, to gaze at him. Only then did it strike him how hollow they looked. After a second, she returned her gaze to the ceiling. Then his comm buzzed. A quivering Private reported in.

"Sergeant, our drones just returned. They're gone sir. Alpha Company was wiped out."


	2. The interweaving period

Kovak slipped off the shuttle, blinking his four eyes in the sunlight. As his vision corrected, he saw his family home before him. Standing in the doorway, was his wife and two children. His wife began to walk down the path leading to the landing pad. His children had no such patience. They ran towards him, laughing and shouting with glee. Ha smiled warmly, stepped forward and picked up his daughter, spinning her around once before scooping up his son as well. By then, his wife had reached them. She pulled him into a tight embrace.

"It's good to see you again." She whispered.

"It's been too long." He agreed.

His wife stepped away, and Kovak set down the kids. His son was battering him with question after question about his recent campaigns. His daughter inquired tirelessly about the many type of creatures he'd met on his travels. He took a knee, reminding himself that he'd have to take leave more often. He opened his mouth, blinking back tears as he gazed at his children's smiling faces. It was good to be home. He was about to regale them with tale after thrilling tale of his adventures in the Traverse, when his head exploded.

* * *

Half a mile away, Lieutenant Commander Avery Shepard slipped out of the tree she'd been camped in. She holstered her rifle. One more link between the Skillian Pirates and the Batarian Hirearchy was eliminated. Kill confirmed. Turning, she set off at a brisk pace towards the LZ. She ignored the mournful wails that echoed back from across the valley.

* * *

Captain Marrocco sat at the head table in the conference room of the S.S.V. Thermopylae. Across from him, another officer consulted his datapad.

"Another successful operation." The man across the table remarked.

"She's a great officer Anderson." The Captain remarked, shaking his head. "She's an even better soldier. But she'd be a terrible XO. She's just not command material." He sighed. "I'd be the last to say that I'd be happy to see her go, but the rest of my crew would be lining up to do so." He stood and began pacing up and down the table. "She's cold, unrelatable, unpleasant, curt." He stopped and looked directly at Anderson. "Hell, she's damn near robotic. Say more than a few words to her, and she just fixes you with this blank stare." He shuddered slightly. "I've had three professionals try and help her, but she refuses to talk to them. I'd be surprised if she's taking her medication. If she wasn't so good, I'd have had her declared Section 8 ages ago." Anderson nodded.

"I respect your opinion Captain, but I need Shepard."

Captain Marrocco nodded, and signed off an offered datapad. He handed it back to Anderson.

"She's your nightmare now."

* * *

Shepard strapped in next to the pilot's seat of the evac shuttle.

"Hey Shepard." The pilot greeted her, grinning.

"Kent." She nodded curtly.

"Now, now." He waved his finger at her, repeating the first words she'd ever said to him with only a minor change. "When we're on duty, it's Lieutenant Wagner." She just stared at him in reply.

He threw up his hands in mock surrender, and initiated the launch sequence. He'd been trying to get a rise out of her ever since she arrived on the ship. Shepard never responded, even when he threw her own words back at her. Still, he was the only one she called by his first name, so he liked to think he was making progress.

"So…" He drawled once they'd exited the atmosphere. "Kill anyone important?"

"Yes."

Kent sighed. She couldn't hold a civil conversation if her life depended on it.

"Any witnesses this time?" He took a sip from the completely against regulation sports drink he kept under the control board.

"Wife and children." Kent had to put a hand to his mouth to prevent himself from spraying the drink everywhere. "They're probably emotionally compromised. That makes them unlikely to be reliable witnesses. It shouldn't be an issue."

Shepard opened a datapad and began reading through it. Kent turned back to the controls.

"Dammit Shepard, you could at least _act_ like you care." He muttered.

Shepard shuddered slightly. Kent turned towards her. She was staring straight ahead. Unblinking. Her lower lip was slightly agape. It was trembling. Beads of sweat began to form on Shepard's face. Her right trigger finger twitched repeatedly. Then she shook herself, and turned back to her e-book, still shuddering slightly. Kent never said another word to her as he plotted a course back to the ship.

* * *

"Welcome aboard the Normandy, Commander." Anderson said as they stepped through the airlock.

Shepard glanced around, noting the various details that made this ship different than the dozens of others she'd served on. Its command center was in the back, and its pilot sat in the far front. It looked more like a turian vessel than an Alliance one. In addition to that, the drive core was silent, despite the fact that it was obviously engaged. Together, she and Anderson passed several crewmen. Each saluted, and Shepard stopped to return each the favor. It earned her some odd looks. Anderson simply strode past them, leading her below decks. They were met by another marine.

"Shepard." Anderson said, stopping by the soldier. "This is Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. He'll help you get acquainted with the ship. I'll meet you in the comm room in an hour. We still need to go over the details of your assignment." Shepard nodded, Anderson turned and left.

"Shepard." Kaidan extended his hand. "It's nice to get to meet you. I look forward to serving with you."

Shepard took the offered hand. "Likewise Lieutenant."

* * *

"So what do you think?" Anderson asked. He sat in the comm room. Kaidan sat across from him.

"Honestly sir, she doesn't seem that bad. She's spent a lot of time this past week getting familiar with the crew. Talking with them, helping them get situated. The crew seems to like her."

"Yet she doesn't sleep."

Kaidan shook his head. "No sir. She spends most of her time working."

Anderson nodded. "I was afraid of that."

* * *

Shepard stood on the bridge, Typing commands into a console as the crew rushed about, preparing the Normandy for its shakedown run. Shepard stifled a yawn. She felt the effects of fatigue continually attempt to overtake her. She was blinking more. Dark lines had long since etched themselves under her eyes. It was harder to focus. She shook herself. There would be time for sleep later. Just one more systems sweep. It was her fifteenth in the last hour. She was vaguely aware of a presence behind her. She ignored it, focusing instead on the computer's readout.

"Shepard." It was Anderson.

Shepard turned around, snapping a salute. "Sir."

"Shepard, you've been on duty for the last thirty hours." Anderson pointed his thumb back over his shoulder. "Get some sleep."

"Sir," Shepard protested. "That's not necessary, I-"

"You look like hell." Anderson cut her off. "Now hit your bunk. I don't want to see you upright for eight hours. That's an order!" He turned and walked away, cutting off any chance of argument. Shepard lowered her arm.

* * *

_She ran. The noises growing louder behind her. The ground rumbled, and a man screamed out in agony, and was cut silent. She was tempted to turn back, but the echo of gunfire stopped her. Women and children screamed. Tears welled in Shepard eyes, Mindoir was burning, and she couldn't stop it. She stopped, doubled over. She tried to catch her breath. Suddenly an armored four eyed man stepped in front of her, blocking her path, she turned around and saw two more running towards her. One of them looked human, and she tried to plead with him, but he simply smiled and reached for her, a bundle of sparking wired in his hand. Then his head disappeared, replaced by a cloud of red and pink. The man next to him fell too clutching at one of several red dots that appeared in his chest. She turned, and found that the one behind her had fallen over too. A group of men, clad in blue swept her up assuring her that she would be all right. But it wasn't. She could still hear the screaming._

"Shepard!"

She awoke with a start, almost rolling out of her bunk. She sat up, wiping the sweat from her brow. She stared down at her hands. They were trembling. Wisps of biotic energy curled around them. With a flick, it was gone. She hopped off the bunk.

"Shepard." She turned around. Kaidan stood in the doorway to the crew quarters staring at her, concerned.

She ignored him, putting on her uniform.

"Are you alright?" It was clear that he wasn't going away.

"Yeah." Shepard whispered, her voice nearly cracking. "Just a bad dream."

Kaidan looked unconvinced, but nevertheless, left the room.

"Just a bad dream." Shepard repeated to herself, her eyes staring straight ahead. "Just a dream."

Then why could she still hear the screaming?


	3. Compassion's a flaw

Shepard stood in what was now her cabin. She felt the ship's engine thrum below her, sending vibrations throughout the ship as it shot toward Therum. It was free time like this that Shepard desperately avoided. The limbo between missions where her mind was free to wander and reflect. Usually she spent this time reliving the attack on Mindoir, or the slaughter on Akuze. Sometimes her mind replayed the final moments of those she'd killed, each memory flashing past her vision like a twisted montage. This time however, Shepard's mind flashed back to her final moments on the Citadel, and Anderson's last words to her.

_Shepard stepped past the now former captain of the Normandy and into the docking tube._

_"Shepard." He said quietly._

_Shepard stopped and turned to face him._

_"I need you to promise me something."_

_"Sir?" Shepard raised a quizzical eyebrow._

_"Take care of her." He looked past her, gazing at the Normandy. "And her crew." He added, returning his eyes to Shepard. "I need you to care about this ship. I need you to care about the crew." He raised his voice slightly. "It has to _matter_ to you." He slammed his fist into his palm. Then he took a deep breath, and when he resumed speaking, his voice was quiet again. "If you don't, it's going to be one hell of a lonely road, and that's only going to make your job that much harder." Anderson stared intently at her. "I need to know that when the shit hits the fan, you'll make the right decision. Not the logical one, or the smart one, but the _right_ one."_

_"Sir I-"_

_"Promise me Shepard."_

_She wanted to tell him that she couldn't. That she didn't trust her emotions anymore, that she didn't know if she was even capable of caring enough. But the look in Anderson's eyes stopped her. He looked, to put it simply, defeated. He'd just watched his entire career implode in front of him, and now it was all up to her. Shepard couldn't bring herself to crush that last spark of hope._

_"I promise."_

_Anderson nodded solemnly, and then walked away._

He hated having to do that, lying to him. But was it really a lie? She could try, _would_ try. Maybe that was enough. Shepard strode from the room. Although she didn't know it, she did so with a renewed spark in her eyes.

* * *

Shepard stood in the Normandy's conference room, shoulders rigid, hands clasped behind her back. Behind her, Ashley and Kaidan leaned against the doorway. In front of her, sat the newest editions to the crew. Tali sat silently to the right, fidgeting on occasion. Garrus sat next to her, staring intently at Shepard, examining her. Wrex sat on the far left, looking extremely uninterested.

Shepard cleared her throat. "As you may have noticed, this is an Alliance ship. That we are now on the Council's payroll doesn't change that. This is a _human_ ship. Built by, for, and staffed by humans."

Wrex gave a snort. Garrus eyelids narrowed. Tali refused to meet Shepard's eyes.

"Therefore," Shepard went on, her stance relaxing slightly. Garrus noticed that the corners of her mouth were twisted onto a grin. "This ship was not initially equipped to accommodate all of you. To correct this, I've had several crates of dextro foods delivered to the galley, and there's now a sealed environmental module on the third deck." Now all three of the aliens were staring at her, confused. It was understandable. Most humans weren't quite so accommodating, or even accepting of the other races. "And lastly," Shepard typed a command into her wrist mounted omnitool. "There are no locked doors on this ship." Each of the aliens' omnitools light up, receiving the ship's access codes that Shepard had transmitted to them. "Even mine." Shepard returned her hands to their former position behind her back. "Any questions?" There was no response. "Then welcome aboard." Shepard turned and left the room, closely followed by Ashley and Kaidan.

Wrex was the first to recover from the shock. He gave an approving grunt before leaving as well. Garrus's throat vibrated slightly in a low chuckle. He stood and walked after Wrex. Tali was left sitting alone with her thoughts. She smiled, not that anyone could see it behind her enviro-suit. She stayed in the conference room for a few minutes, mulling over the plethora of emotions flowing through her. The predominant one was respect, and emotion she hadn't associated with anyone for a long time. Another was pride, and maybe a little sense of belonging. If the rest of the crew were half as nice as Shepard, she wouldn't mind serving on the Normandy. She might even enjoy her time here. Tali briefly entertained a small fantasy. She wondered whether after her pilgrimage she could return to the Normandy, serve as the first quarian on a SpecTRe ship in three centuries. Tali Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayaa. Then she shook her head. No, that was stupid. The Admiralty would never go for that. Still, there were worse places to make ones pilgrimage.

* * *

"That was a good one Commander." Kaidan laughed. "You really had them for a while."

Shepard grinned back. It was only partially forced. The three human marines sat in the mess hall.

"I still don't like that we're just letting them run around the ship." Ashley muttered.

"I know you don't Williams, but like it or not, they're part of the crew now."

Ashley conceded the point. "I understand. It won't be a problem ma'am. I may not like it, but I can live with it."

Then the intercom buzzed. "Commander, if you're done hazing the rookies, were fifteen minutes out from Therum."

The three marines stood.

"Suit up and get down to the Mako." Shepard barked.

Her squad mates snapped to, and took off towards the elevator. As they left, Shepard felt a genuine smile tugging at the corners of her lips. Like it or not, it felt good to be a part of the team again.

* * *

"Uh, hello? Can somebody help me? Please?" A voice sounded from below.

Shepard dropped down from the elevator's ruined catwalk and looked around. Behind her, there was a simmering force field. Behind it, and trapped in a bubble of the same rippling energy, was the asari that they'd been sent to retrieve.

"Can you hear me out there?" She asked slightly frantic. "I'm trapped. I need help."

Shepard approached the force field. "Doctor T'soni I presume?"

Relief flooded over the young asari's face. "Thank the Goddess. I did not think anyone would come looking for me. This thing I'm in is a Prothean security device, I cannot move, so, I need you to get me out of it. Alright?" She almost pleaded.

Shepard nodded. "We just need to figure some way past this energy field."

"It's a Prothean barrier current, I knew it would keep me safe from the Geth. When I turned it on I must have…hit something I wasn't supposed to. I was trapped in here you must get me out please!" Now she was pleading.

"We'll find some way to get you out of there." Shepard promised. Just as she did that, several rounds flew past her, impacting on the prothean shield. Shepard spun around, rifle already up, eyes sighted down the scope.

* * *

Shepard stood just outside the back room the ship's clinic. Her hand poised on the door controls. She couldn't believe what she was doing. Checking up on the daughter of Saren's second in command. But then again, Saren _had_ sent a considerable contingent of geth troops to silence the doctor, so perhaps she could be trusted. Besides, Shepard thought as she keyed open the door, it beat sitting around in her cabin.

"Oh," Liara started as Shepard walked in. The color had returned to her face. "Commander. Are you coming to check up on me?" Shepard nodded.

"You look much better, how are you feeling?"

"Doctor Chakwas assures me that I'm going to be fine. I was impressed with her knowledge of Asari physiology." She confessed. " But where are my manners? I never properly thanked you for saving me on Therum. If you hadn't showed up…" She suppressed a shudder.

"I'm just glad we got there in time."

"So am I. I know you took a chance bringing me aboard the ship. I see the way you're crew looks at me, they do not trust me." Shepard almost frowned at that. She felt outraged at that, but she couldn't tell why.

"But I am not like my mother." Liara said vehemently. "I will do whatever it takes to stop Saren."

"Don't worry Liara," Shepard said, sensing the asair's sincerity. "I trust you."

Liara's facial features relaxed at that. "It means a lot to hear you say that Commander, thank you."

They looked at each other for a few seconds, then both dropped their gazes quite abruptly.

"Tell me about yourself Liara." Shepard said, reviving the conversation.

"Me?" she asked, startled, "I'm afraid I'm not very interesting. I spent most of my life in remote digs, unearthing long forgotten Prothean ruins."

"That does sound interesting, if a bit lonely."

Liara chuckled slightly. "That is actually the aspect which most appealed to me. Sometimes I just need to…get away from other people."

"You don't like other people?"

"I suppose it comes from being a Matriarch's daughter. People expected me to follow in her footsteps, become a leader of our people." Bitterness crept into the young doctor's voice. "Matriarchs guide their followers into the future; they seek the truth of what is to come. Maybe that's why I became so interested in the secrets of the past. It sounds so foolish when I say it out lout." She looked down, blushing. "It sounds like I became an archeologist simply to spite my mother." She said, gazing back up. "But it was more than that, I felt compelled to know more about the Protheans, I was enamored with them. That is why I find you so fascinating. You interacted with actual Prothean technology." Liara couldn't help but notice Shepard blush slightly at that. It surprised her almost as much as it did Shepard.

"It sounds like you want to dissect me in a lab." Shepard mumbled.

"Oh no," Liara said, mortified. "I only meant that you would be a fascinating subject for further study, no that makes it worse." Liara stifled a moan. Why was she acting like such a fool around this woman?

"Relax Liara, It was a joke." Liara felt her cheeks warm.

"By the Goddess," she groaned, smacking her head, "how could I be so dense? You must think I am a complete fool."

"Calm down, I don't think that at all." Shepard assured her.

"Now you see why prefer to spend my time alone with data disks and computers. I always manage to say something awkward."

The conversation was interrupted as Joker paged Shepard. A call had come in from Alliance Command. After a hasty goodbye, Shepard left the room and headed for the conference room. As she left the clinic, she briefly wondered why her chest felt so light. The thought was banished quickly to make room for more pressing concerns.


	4. Purely professional interest

Garrus stood in the hangar, re-calibrating the Mako's weapons systems when he heard footsteps approach.

"Excuse me? Garrus?" Liara's voive sounded from behind him.

Garrus turned to face her. "Liara." He nodded. "What can I do for you?"

She fidgeted slightly. "I wanted to ask you about Shepard."

"Oh?" If Garrus had been human, he'd have raised an eyebrow. As it was, his mandibles simply twitched.

"Yes. Shepard is an…interesting woman."

Garrus' throat vibrated in a small chuckle. "And what did you want to ask about?"

"I would like to know more about her."

"Honestly Liara, I don't know much about her. Come to think of it," Another chuckle. "Shepard spends enough time talking with you after every mission."

Liara blushed. "That is different." She insisted. "It is usually to enquire about my condition after a meld, or a minor injury from a fight." She sighed, and when she spoke again, her voice was quiet. "We always talk about me. Even after Noveria, where she saw what my mother became." A shadow flickered across her face.

"And why," Garrus asked, changing the subject. "do you want to talk about her?"

"Because," Liara said. Her blush returned. "She is an interesting person. She is very driven, yet principled and compassionate. Since we met, she has shown nothing but kindness to me." Then she stopped and took a deep breath. "And I like her."

"I think she feels the same about you Liara, haven't you seen the way she looks at you?"

"I am…not proficient at reading body language."

It was true, and for this, Garrus was exceptionally grateful. If Liara knew anything of Turian body language, well…he doubted she'd still be talking to him. He got the impression that she didn't enjoy being laughed at.

At that moment, Joker saved Garrus from having to restrain his laughter, by informing him over the intercom that the Normandy was approaching Ontarom, and he should ready the Mako for deployment.

"Thank you Garrus." Liara said as she turned to leave, a bright smile present on her face. "That was most enlightening."

* * *

Shepard knelt in front of a security door, attempting to bypass the door's security systems. Kaidan stood next to her, waiting for the door to open. Garrus stood behind them both, covering the hallway to the rear, just in case they'd missed any mercenaries on the way in. Shepard held her omni-tool a few inches from her face. Her eyes darted across it as she shifted through lines of code. Her free hand began drumming on the case of omni-gell that was secured to her belt. Then the lock beeped, and the door slid open. Kaidan was the first one in. Shepard drew her pistol and followed suit. Garrus backed in behind them, sealing the door as he did so. There were two other occupant in the room. One wore a labcoat, one of the scientists that they'd been sent to save. Shepard still had misgivings about that. This scientist had apparently been part of a team that had been on Akuze during her mission there. When her company was slaughtered. He'd have a lot of questions to answer after the mission was over. The man across from the scientist looked like most of the mercenaries that Shepard and her team had encountered on their way in. Except, for some reason, he seemed familiar to Shepard. The merc's gun was up and pointed at his hostage, the scientist.

"Stay back." The mercenary spared a glance toward the newcomers. "I'm here for him. No one else has to die here."

Shepard stared at him. The man's lips were drawn into a tight line. His face was crisscrossed with innumerous scars. He sported the same sunken eyes and blank expression that Shepard had seen all too often in the mirror until recently. The man stared back at Shepard, and his eyes widened. He lacked the confident grin and the spark of enthusiasm he used to possess. Even so, Shepard knew him.

"He's crazy!" The scientist shouted, almost hysterically. "He's going to kill me, you have to stop him!"

Both Only Garrus and Kaidan paid him any mind.

"Shepard?" The merc whispered, his voice wavered.

"Toombs?" Shepard gasped. "But how? I saw you die."

Toombs nodded, shuddering slightly. "It burned, the venom. It ate right through my suit. Probably disabled the biomonitor." He was wracked by another tremor. His eyes glazed over as he continued on in a monotone. "You can't imagine the pain. It burned everything. Armor, flesh, nerves. In some places my suit was melted to my body. Still, I survived." He shivered again, and when he resumed speaking, his voice was raised. "But _they_ found me." He waved his gun wildly, gesturing toward the scientist, who was now whimpering in fear. "Two years. _Two years_. They experimented on me, tortured me. They were so happy to realize that I'd survived. Now they had two experiments." Shepard raised a quizzical eyebrow. " Yes Shepard, they studied you too. It was all one big study. Killing the company, torturing me, and stalking you. It was all a game. An experiment for _them. Cerberus._" He spat out the chillingly familiar name.

'_It's just like Edolus_.' Shepard realized.

"I got out." Toombs said, his voice dropping back to a dull monotone. " Someone took down Cerberus' operations, and I was able to escape after the team experimenting on me went to ground. It didn't save them. I got most of them." Toombs Turned to the scientist. "Only one left."

The scientist turned from Toombs to Shepard, hoping against hope that she could save him. He cringed when he met Shepard's gaze. He saw the total, cold rage that filled her eyes, and the fury, distain, and contempt her stare projected at him. Toombs caught her eye. Shepard nodded once.

"Shepard." Kaidan took a step towards her, concerned.

Before he reached her, Garrus pulled him back. Kaidan turned around. Garrus simply shook his head, and left the room. After a glance back at Shepard, Kaidan did the same.

"You can't!" the scientist cried. His eyes flicked back and forth from Toombs to Shepard. "You can't" He whispered.

Toombs proved him wrong.

"It's over." Toombs muttered as the body hit the floor. "The screaming stopped." He turned to Shepard, who was surprised by the look of content on his face. "Now I can move on." He raised his pistol up to his temple.

Shepard moved forward and tried to grab the gun, but she was simply too far away.

"Thanks sarge." For a moment, she saw Toombs as he once was, the carefree look of confidence on his face. The permanent grin. The spark in his eyes. "Knew you cared."

Shepard's face was only a few feet away when he pulled the trigger.

* * *

Garrus and Kaidan stood leaning against the wall. It'd been an hour since they heard the second gunshot. An hour of silence. Joker had called in twice. They'd told him not to worry. If only they could listen to their own advice. Then the door opened and Shepard stepped out. Her eyes were not red or swollen. No tear marks scarred her face. She sported the same blank look that she hadn't worn since Therum. She walked straight past them, and radioed Joker for a pick up. They shared a glance before taking after her. It confirmed that they were both thinking the same thing. They'd both reached the same conclusion. All the vids and extranet reports said the same thing. That Shepard was the only one to make it out of the battle on Akuze. They were wrong. She hadn't made it out. She was still fighting it.


	5. Holding on is easier than letting go

**A.N. **Okay, here is where I re-introduce Shepard's internal dialogues, something which made this story so definitive and made Shepard so relatable when I first wrote it. I did not include it in the first chapters for a reason. I have brought it back because this is, primarily, Shepard's journey, and we're just along for the ride. So yeah, there's going to be a big change in how the narrative is told. Than being said...

Now for something completely different.

* * *

Shepard took the stairs slowly, pausing after each step. Her strides were unsteady, and each movement took all the concentration she could muster. She was cold and numb. Everything felt like a dream. Just another nightmare. She would wake up anytime now. She had to.

She didn't.

Shepard's feet left the steps, and she found herself moving back towards her quarters, almost automatically. She could still hear Kaidan's voice in her ears. The last words he'd ever said.

"You made the right choice Commander, I don't regret a thing."

She reached the door, opening it quietly and slipping inside. It locked behind her.

* * *

Several members of the Normandy's crew stood around the mess hall, each watching the door to Shepard's quarters apprehensively. Every single one wishing that they could think of something to say or do. Anything to help ease the tension. But no one could. So no one spoke. On the opposite side of the mess, near the med bay, Garrus and Liara stood next to each other. They, like everyone else, stood silently and watched, and waited. Liara cringed mentally at the force of the emotions she could feel radiating from Shepard's room. They were almost overwhelming. Garrus nudged Liara lightly with his elbow, breaking her from her thoughts. She looked up at him, confused.

He tilted his head towards Shepard's door. "You should go talk to her. I think she really needs that right about now."

Liara's expression turned into one of surprise. "You think-"

"It couldn't hurt."

Liara still didn't seem convinced.

"Liara?" Garrus asked quietly. "Have you ever seen Shepard smile? Genuinely _smile_?"

Liara paused for a moment, then nodded.

"I haven't."

Liara turned her gaze back towards the door. She took a deep breath, and began to walk forward.

* * *

It was a strange sensation, feeling rage, sorrow, despair, and grief, yet still managing coherent thought. Shepard paced the room, a violent battle raging in her mind as her conscience fought her rationality.

_It wasn't my fault!_

_Tell it to the dead._

_If I had gone back for him, then Ashley and the salarians would've been overrun._

_And we'd still be having this discussion._

She took deep breaths, trying to calm herself. She only succeeded in hyperventilating. Part of her was still thinking logically, trying to reign in her emotions. The rest of her didn't want to. Finally the stress was too much. With a yell, she let out a torrent of biotic energy which sent her few possessions flying about the room. When the artificial gale subsided, Shepard was left standing in the middle of the room. Her head was down, her teeth clenched, shoulders rigid. Before her on the floor, lay a small picture. It depicted Toombs and Ali standing on either side of her. Ali had her arms around her shoulders, and Toombs was holding a pair of fingers above Shepard's head. They were both grinning madly. Even Shepard had allowed herself a slight smile. Shepard felt something inside her break.

_I can't do this anymore. Not again. I have to…to keep my distance. It's for the best. I can't let them get too close…I can't lose them like this. Like everyone else. _

Shepard fell to her knees, overwhelmed by despair.

_I care…I care too much. Anderson would be proud. I'm too close…to everyone…especially Liara. I can't-_

There was a knock at the door.

Shepard felt rage build up inside her yet again. She stood and began walking towards the door. She needed an outlet, and whoever knocked, just volunteered. She slammed her fist into the access panel, and glared at the door as it opened. Then Shepard immediately deflated. It was Liara.

The asari almost gasped at the sight of Shepard. Her normally ordered hair was disheveled, her uniform was ruffled, and her eyes were wild, yet pleading.

"Shepard." Liara whispered.

Shepard opened her mouth, then promptly closed it, not quite trusting herself to speak.

"May…may I come in?" Liara asked, quite out of her depth. Shepard stood to the side, and Liara stepped in the room. The door slid shut behind them. Shepard took a seat at the edge of her bed. Liara sat beside her. She noticed Shepard's hand was clenched at the edge of the mattress, squeezing it repeatedly. Liara laid her hand atop Shepard's, and felt the Commander relax. She stared up at the distraught woman, unsure what to say. Instead of speaking, Liara interlocked their fingers and squeezed gently. Then Shepard did something neither of them expected. She began to cry. For the first time in years, tears slid freely down Shepard's face, pausing at her chin before dripping into her lap. Shepard made no attempt to impede them. Shepard sat there for several minutes, crying for Kaidan, Toombs, Ali, her old company, her parents, her brother. And then it was over. With a simple shuddering breath, as quickly as they had started, the tears stopped.

"Thank you." Shepard whispered.

The two of them stood. Then Liara pulled Shepard into a tight embrace, one that was eagerly returned.

"You are not alone Shepard." Liara muttered. "You do not have to take everything upon yourself."

"I know." Shepard replied. "Thank you for reminding me."

And then they pulled apart, pausing a second before each going their respective ways. Liara left the cabin. The door closed behind her, now unlocked. Shepard righted her terminal and chair, then began typing at a brisk pace. Her actions were fueled by a new determination. Now she had something worth fighting for. And she'd be damned if she was going to let Saren take it-or anything else-from her.

* * *

Shepard tried another bypass, still nothing. The Normandy couldn't even start her engines at this rate. Not without the council's authorization. Shepard let out a deep sigh. Then punched the bulkhead, denting it.

_At least my hand isn't broken, that's the nice thing about biotics._

"I'm sorry, am I interrupting?" Liara's voice sounded from behind her.

"Not really." Shepard twisted to face her. "What's up?"

Liara eyed her curiously. "What are you doing Shepard?"

"Oh that's easy." She replied, twisting back around. "I don't know" she growled through gritted teeth, punching the bulkhead again.

"Shepard."

"He can't win." Shepard muttered frantically. "I can't let him win. Not after all this. Everything that we've lost. Everything we will lose." She stopped, her shoulders slumped "I just can't." She whispered. Shepard closed her eyes.

The asari helped Shepard to her feet, and there they stood, staring at each other. Their faces began inching closer and closer until…Joker called Shepard up to the bridge on the intercom, a slightly more jovial tone to his voice than usual.

_I will kill you for this Joker._

* * *

Shepard sat at her desk, staring at her terminal. It displayed a collection of all the notes from every council species' archives that had to do with Illos. It wasn't much, and Shepard found herself skipping large sections that simply restated earlier information. As Shepard flipped from a salarian archaeological report to a turian one, the door to her cabin opened. It was Liara.

"Shepard?"

Shepard stood and turned to face her. "What is it Liara?"

"I was thinking about tomorrow, and…. I thought that…we might not make it back Shepard."

Shepard wanted to console her, but couldn't find the words. She was haunted by another thought.

_What If you lost her too?_

_I won't._

_Wont? Or can't?_

_Shut up._

_Now you're just avoiding the question._

_Shut. Up._

_Could you go on if you lost her too?_

_SHUT UP._

_This could be Akuze all over again._

"Shepard," She just noticed Liara was still talking. "If these are our last hours, I would like to spend them with you. She took Shepard's hands in hers.

"If you're sure Liara."

They gazed into each other's eyes. Suddenly, all of Shepard's doubts and concerns simply vanished.

"I have never been more sure of anything in my life." Liara breathed. She paused a second before adding, quietly. "Embrace eternity."

And with that, their minds were joined, and together, human and asari, soldier and archaeologist, but united by a common emotion, they stepped beyond the veil of reality.


	6. The death of Sovereign Saren and Shepard

Shepard lay back on her bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to the steady breathing of the Asari lying next to her. Reluctantly, she slipped out from under the covers, and began to get dressed. Glancing back, she re-adjusted the sheet in the preservation of modesty. She smiled. Liara looked so peaceful now. Shepard envied that in a way. Now she had to plan for an assault on a long forgotten planet, against unknown numbers, with only six teammates. She didn't even have an idea of what the terrain looked like. Shepard let out a low sigh.

_At least the dreams last night were pleasant for a change._

Shepard blushed recalling some of them.

_They're usually much worse._

_You could be dreaming about tomorrow soon._

_No._

_It could easily become another Virmire. Or Akuze._

_It could, except that I won't let that happen._

Shepard finished dressing just as Liara began to stir. She turned to see the Asari sitting up, eyelids fluttering. They stared at each other for a few moments.

"By the Goddess, that was incredible Shepard."

Shepard smiled. "You were incredible."

Liara smiled back. The intercom sounded.

"Five minutes to the Mu relay Commander." Joker's voice echoed throughout the room.

"Be right there Joker." Shepard leaned over and helped Liara out of the bed. "I'm sorry." She mumbled

"I understand. Duty calls." Liara whispered in reply. She leaned in and gently kissed Shepard.

"Just be safe." She breathed.

"Same to you."

* * *

Shepard recalled those calm moments several minutes later, they contrasted completely with the chaotic scene she was now witnessing on the bridge. Saren was closing in on the Conduit, and there were no possible landing zones anywhere close to his location. Except for one. That was the source of conflict on the bridge. Shepard almost regretted calling her team up for a quick briefing. At least Wrex had the sense to stay below decks, and Garrus was prepping the Mako. It was hard enough to reach a consensus without their input.

"That's too far, we'll never make it in time on foot, get us something closer." Ashley nearly shouted at Pressley.

"There is nowhere closer, I've looked!" Came his reply.

"Can we deploy in the Mako?" Shepard demanded, calmly. Pressley shook his head.

"You need at least a hundred meters of open terrain to pull off a drop like that; the most I can find near Saren is twenty."

Ashley looked incredulous. "Twenty meters? No way we could pull off a drop like that."

"We have to try." Liara seemed desperate. Ashley seemed to ignore her.

"Find another landing zone." She ordered Pressley.

"There is no other landing zone!"

Tali shook her head in frustration. "The descent angle's too steep."

Liara balled her hands into fists. "We have to try, it's our only option."

"It's not an option," Ashley shouted in frustration, "It's a suicide run! We don't-"

"I can do it." Joker stated quietly.

"Joker?" Shepard whispered.

"I can do it."

Shepard nodded. "Everyone gear up, head to the Mako. Joker, drop us right on top of that bastard, Ashley, take Garrus and Tali, deploy at the safe zone two clicks out, then draw off as many Geth as possible, try and make your way towards this bunker." She pointed at the tactical display. "It's a hike, but it might be your best option. Evac after you confirm that we have incapacitated Saren." Ashley nodded, and then she and Tali left the bridge. Shepard turned to Liara.

"You're with me."

Liara nodded, a cold fire burning behind her eyes. "Always."

* * *

The operation hadn't gone as planned. Saren managed to close off his escape route, by the time they had opened it, the second squad was close to being overrun. She had to order them out as she began to pursue Saren deeper into the ruins of Ilos. There they had discovered the true fate of the Protheans, and why Saren sought the Conduit. They followed him through, and began to carve a path up Citadel Tower in chase. There they confronted him, and their combined fire brought him down. Shepard then accessed the station's commands, and opened a channel to the Normandy. The Council was under attack, and the Arcturus Fleet stood ready to save them. All that was required was for her to open the Relays.

"What has the Council ever done for us?" Wrex asked, "I say, let 'em go, see if they can't take out a few more Geth before you send in the cavalry."

"Shepard, you can't do that!" Liara stared at Shepard. "This is bigger than humanity, we need all the races together if we have a chance of beating the Reapers."

"Exactly," Wrex nodded, "we need as many ships as we can spare, we shouldn't throw them away just yet."

_What do I do? They both have good points._

_Then pick one._

_I can't._

_Why not? You can let the council die to save the Alliance some losses, or you can send them in and save as many Council forces as possible._

_I can't order them to throw their lives away._

_Can you order them to let others do it in their place?_

Then a memory drifted forward, and replayed itself in front of her eyes.

_Your species is one of action, you pursue your goals with an almost indomitable determination. An admiral trait, but also an intimidating one."_

_"Pardon?" Shepard asked, puzzled. _

_"Unfortunately the other species see humanity as something of a bully. You run over any in your path to get what you want. It is up to people like you to change their minds."_

_She's right you know._

Shepard smiled inwardly.

_I know._

"Joker, stand by, I'm opening the relays now, sent the fleet through when they're active."

Wrex shook his head. "I sure hope the council appreciates this." He mumbled.

Liara exhaled, relieved. Shepard smiled at her, and then turned to look at the reinforcing Alliance fleet as it battled what remained of the Geth armada. She cringed for every hit sustained by an Alliance vessel; her heart grew heavier every time one burst into flames. She looked away.

_Oh God._

_It had to be done._

_That doesn't make it any easier._

Saren's body caught her eye, was it her imagination, or did it just twitch. She waved at Wrex to get his attention.

"Make sure he's dead." Wrex grunted happily. He hit the floor with a dull thud, and fired several rounds into Saren's corpse.

"He's dead." Wrex muttered.

As if to contradict that statement, the body began flailing wildly, red bolts of energy flying into it. Then it erupted, the blast knocking Wrex to his feet, and sending Liara and Shepard tumbling down from above. What remained of Saren were now a smoking crater, and a misshapen skeleton. The skeleton; however, was very much alive, and shooting at them. So they returned the favor. Soon the room was pocket-marked and filled with scorched plants. Shepard was covered in burns, bruises, and various wounds. Most of her guns had overheated, and she was forced to rely on her biotics. Liara faced a similar problem, and Wrex's shotgun had nearly melted. Shepard fired her pistol twice, following it with a flurry of biotic energy. Saren's corpse dodged the bullets, but Shepard re-directed the energy towards his new position. It slammed home, knocking out Saren's already weakened shields. In retaliation, it set its sights on the closest target, and prepared to fire. Shepard froze. It was Liara. Shepard dove to the side, tackling her lover microseconds before a large sphere of energy flew over them, crackling the air where Liara had been standing. Saren then appeared above them, the three fingers on its left wrist clamped together, the fingertips forming a sharp point. It began to drive its hand downward, when the creature's face was turned into slag, courtesy of Wrex's shotgun. What had been Saren howled in rage, and Wrex charged it, and pinned it to the wall. He stepped away, and it slid to the floor. Shepard and Liara stood. They glanced at Wrex, then at the abomination. Together, the three of them unleashed a wave of biotics that left nothing but a smoldering crater where Saren used to be.

With that done, the trio stared out the nearest window, watching the Alliance fleet destroy Sovereign. They saw the reaper stop moving, the Alliance ships firing with renewed passion, and the flight of the Normandy as it delivered the fatal blow.

Shepard closed her eyes, her shoulders sagged, and an inaudible sigh escaped her lips.

_It's over._

She looked back up, just in time to see a large chunk of Sovereign headed towards her. Time slowed to a crawl as she tried to grasp what was going on. The piece, it was too close. They couldn't run. Not fast enough. Not far enough. She looked over her shoulder, to look at Liara. She looks in her eyes almost froze Shepard. She saw sorrow, pleading, but above all else love. She looked, above all else, like she needed a hug.

_You know what you need to do._

Shepard lanced out with biotic energy, sending both Wrex and Liara to safety under a large outcropping. It pained her to see the anguish on Liara's face as she realized what Shepard was doing. But it needed to be done. With her comrades safe, she turned to face the flaming debris, as it continued closer. Her radio buzzed with various people shouting at her to evacuate. She switched it off. She closed her eyes, and with a picture of Liara's face in her mind, smiled. The wreckage hit, and the world went dark. The last thing she heard was a lone voice calling out her name. And then there was nothing.

* * *

Hours later, various search teams combed the Council Chambers, in a desperate effort to locate any survivors. After so many hours, the search grew increasingly grim, its members unsure if they would find anyone alive. Liara waited. She did not call out, nor did Wrex.

_They will find us eventually._

Her thoughts drifted back to those final moments, when Shepard was consumed by the fiery remains of Sovereign. How she pushed them out of the way, but didn't make any attempt to run herself. She smiled weakly. That was Shepard. Liara nearly choked on a sob.

_Oh Goddess._

Try as she might, all she could picture was that face. Her ordered red hair, scars, her stoic expression. That smile that only she ever saw. The one that always lurked behind the expressionless mask that Shepard wore in front of all others. She remembered comforting Shepard after Virmire. And the night they'd spent together before Ilos. A single tear traveled down her cheek.

_And now she's gone._

A flashlight blinded her momentarily; the rescue team had found them at last.

"Captain Anderson, they're over here!" The voice seemed distorted, as if coming from a great distance. Another man ran into their enclosure. He put his arm around Liara, trying to help her out.

"It's over. You're safe now." Then he saw the look in her eyes. He glanced around.

"Where's the Commander?" He asked, looking back at Liara. She looked back at him, tears streaming out of her eyes. "Where's Shepard." These last words dropped to a whisper, as he realized what must have happened.

They both looked away, and he started to guide her towards the exit. As they made their way out, a dull thud echoed around the chamber, causing everyone it to look around. A second, softer, thud followed, then a large screeching sound tore at the air. At last, all was still. Liara gazed intently towards the upper levels of the room, hope beginning to flicker inside her.

_Could it be?_

She looked, along with everyone else in the room, but no movement appeared in the rubble above, and as the minutes dragged on, that flickering hope seemed to sputter and die down. Liara shook her head vigorously, continuing to watch, desperate for something, anythi-. A figure moved out from between two large pieces of rubble. It took a few limping steps towards the stunned rescue team. Then Liara realized that something was wrong. The figure stood there, shaking, but not moving forwards anymore. Liara sprinted towards the figure, the one that could only be…

"Shepard!"

Her ribs ached, her left arm would not respond, and lances of pain shot up her right leg with each step. She didn't break a stride. Shepard began to collapse, darkness eating away at the corners of her vision, she was dizzy, the room span.

_Stop it room._

Thinking became harder with each passing second; she fell, and was caught.

"Oh Shepard." Someone was crying into her hair. Ashley? No. it was…

"Liara?" Liara smiled brightly at this, and embraced Shepard, who tried to return it, but was thwarted by the darkness dissolving her vision. She went limp, unable to continue the embrace.

"Shepard!" Was all she heard, as she spiraled into darkness.

* * *

"Shepard." Liara whispered.

She was currently in the ER for major surgery on the various internal organs that had been punctured after the demise of Sovereign. The operation was a success, but a large amount of damage had already been done. Many organs were in danger of simply shutting down. Shepard now had a one in five chance of living.

_It's better than it was before, and Shepard's faced worse odds than these and lived._

_But now it's not her skill that will determine the outcome. Now it's chance._

Liara glanced at the monitor in front of her. A series of beats emitted from the machine as it monitored Shepard's heartbeat.

_Beep._

Liara leaned over Shepard, tears welling in her eyes.

_Beep._

She placed her free hand on Shepard's face, gently brushing a few loose locks of hair out of her eyes.

_Beep._

Liara smiled.

_Beep._

_This is only the second time I've seen her hair like this. Usually she's meticulous about it. It always looks perfect._

_Beep._

Liara sighed.

_Beep._

_She looks so peaceful. _

She glanced at the monitor to her right, apparently Shepard was sleeping dreamlessly.

_Beep._

_That's why. Very well. Sleep tight Shepard._

_…_

_Wait._

_…_

_Oh Goddess._

_…_

_No._

_…_

Liara stared, eyes wide in horror, as doctors rushed in, working in a flurry, trying various methods to save Shepard.

"Clear!"

Liara simply sat in the corner, and cried.


	7. Waiting for the end to come

Shepard awoke sometime later in a hospital bed. Looking around, she saw Liara fast asleep in a chair next to the bed. She saw that the alien had her left arm and right leg immobilized by casts, a pair of crutches next to the chair. Shepard's expression softened. She was thinking about Liara's injuries, when she finally noticed her own. Her right leg was entirely immobilized in a cast, bandages crisscrossed her chest, almost entirely covering it, her right arm was in a sling, and she felt a pad bandaged to her right temple. In IV drip was taped to a vein on her left arm. She was sore all over. She looked over at Liara. Lines of dried tears had etched themselves on her cheeks. The machine next to her started beeping, then the IV began to pump a solution into her veins. Shepard felt sleep tugging at her, pulling her in.

"Liara." She muttered, before once again succumbing to rest.

* * *

Shepard wheeled herself out of the Council Chambers, making her way to the nearest elevator. Only now did she realize how many areas of the Citadel were not handicap accessible. At least the Council had met her at the bottom of the stairs. She was eager to get back to the ship, but she wasn't fit for duty as of yet.

_Docs said to give it two weeks._

She shook her head, and punched the down button.

_Maybe I'll head down to the Presidium. I haven't had time to really admire it yet. There's always been a mission taking priority. At least now I have some down time._

_You say that like it's a good thing._

_Maybe it is._

_Says the person that's been avoiding it for her entire career. You have _months _of shore leave stockpiled._

_That's because I… I couldn't stop moving, couldn't stop thinking about Akuze. Or Mindoir._

_What's changed since then?_

_Liara._

An image of the blue skinned alien flashed through her mind. Shepard felt blood rush to her cheeks.

_Probably should've imagined her with clothes on._

_And why would I want to do that?_

Shepard wheeled herself out of the elevator as the doors opened. She moved up to the railing, and stared out across the Presidium. She smiled. She'd been doing that a lot lately.

* * *

Shepard cycled through the airlock on the Normandy. It felt a lot like coming home again. After a month away, there was nowhere she'd rather be. She was greeted with cheers form her crew, all of whom were gathered in the C.I.C. Some faces were missing however. Wrex had returned to Tuchunka, and Tali had returned to the fleet. Shepard smiled all the same. It was nice that the crew would do this for her. She spent the next half hour enduring a torrent of handshakes, pats on the back, and congratulations. Through it all she couldn't stop grinning, despite herself. A gentle handshake from Joker, a salute from Pressley, a pat on the back from Adams, a smile from Chakwas, a bear hug from Ashley, and another hug, along with a subtle kiss from Liara. Gradually the storm subsided, the ship pulled out of dock, and the crew returned to their stations. Shepard retired to her quarters, where she was met minutes later by Liara.

"Shepard. It is good to see that you are alright." She seemed to fumble for words.

"I'm just glad that we can put this mess behind us." Shepard lay back in her bed.

"I never got to thank you properly."

"What do you mean?" asked Shepard, puzzled.

"Back on the Citadel, after Sovereign was destroyed. You…" She paused awkwardly, searching for words. "You saved my life Shepard."

"Liara," Shepard began, "I couldn't let anything happen to you. I had to do something. Anything." Shepard finished with a whisper. "I love you Liara." Liara was surprised by Shepard's admission, but not at all upset.

"I feel the same way Shepard." Liara leaned in and planted a kiss on the human's lips. A kiss that was eagerly returned.

* * *

_Goddamn Mondays._

That was Shepard's first thought as she rolled out of bed to alarm bells. She checked the nearest terminal for a diagnostic. Then she checked it again, just to be sure.

"Shepard, what's going on?" Liara began to emerge from under the covers.

"We've been attacked. Get suited up. I'll meet you at the ops station." Liara grasped at once the severity of the situation, and nodded. They both dressed as quickly as possibly, Shepard finished first, and ran to the ops station. Liara followed soon after.

"Distress beacon is ready for launch." Shepard reported.

"Will the Alliance get here in time?"

"The alliance won't abandon us; we just need to hold on. Get everyone onto the evac shuttles." Shepard replied while trying to fix some loose wiring. Liara checked the terminal as well, then shook her head.

"Joker's still in the cockpit, he wont abandon ship." She stared at Shepard. "I'm not leaving either."

"I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles, I'll take care of Joker."

"Shepard-" Liara began, only to be cut off.

"Liara go." She looked back and pleaded. "Now."

"Aye-aye." And with that, she ran off. Shepard started towards the bridge, working her way past fires and hull ruptures until she reached the bridge.

"Joker. We. Are. Leaving." She barked after walking through a vacuum proof shield.

"I won't abandon the Normandy," he said through gritted teeth. "I can still save her."

Shepard shook her head.

"The Normandy's lost, going down with the ship won't change that." After a few moments of silence, he relented.

"Yeah okay, help me up." Shepard grabbed him and hoisted him towards the bridge escape pod.

"Watch the arm!" He grimaced in pain. Shepard shoved him into the pod, but was cut off by an explosion, and a beam of energy. She wasn't going to make it. Not in time. But she knew that Joker wouldn't launch the pod without her.

_No-one else will die because of me._

She hit the override, and the shuttle launched away from the ship. A series of explosions tossed Shepard into space as the Normandy erupted. Shepard watched the shuttles escape. Knowing that, at the very least, Liara had made it out. To her relief, the strange vessel seemed to have disappeared. Her crew was safe. It was only then that she noticed that her suit was leaking air. That, and she was about to enter the atmosphere of the planet below.

Her instincts kicked in, and her body began to flail wildly; survival instinct at the most base. But throughout this, Shepard was calm.

_They're safe._

_That's it?_

_That's all that really matters._

_No regrets huh?_

_Not at all. I have plenty of regrets. I'm just glad that I didn't have to make the list any longer._

An image flashed across her eyes. The blue-skinned beauty that had been the focus of her thoughts for several months now.

_She's safe._

_That's all that really matters?_

_I'm sorry Liara. I didn't want for this to end this way. Please….forgive me._

_And then move on._

The suit had run out of air to vent, and she was entering the atmosphere.

Darkness crawled at the corner of her vision.

_Now it's time to see who was right mom and dad._

She hovered over the boundary a second more, before slipping into the void.


	8. Wake me when it thunders

_Beep._

Shepard stirred slightly.

_Beep._

_Go away._

_Beep._

_Leave me alone._

_Beep._

_I'm _dead.

_Beep._

Shepard's eyelids fluttered open. She tried to rise from the table she lay on, but it turned out to be a challenge. Voices buzzed around her urgently. Try as she might, she couldn't make any out. The beeping grew louder and faster.

_I've been drugged._

_Beep._

She lifted her arm, trying to rise once more. Someone grabbed her arm before she could move it far.

_What the hell?_

_Beep._

Her arm looked shriveled and shrunken.

_What's going on here?_

_Beep._

She felt a needle prod her shoulder, and knew at once that she had been drugged again. A woman smiled at her as she fell backwards onto the table. A sweet, knowing smile. It reminded her of-

_Liara._

_Beep._

_Oh God._

_Beep._

_I'm sorry._

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

* * *

"Shepard." An unfamiliar voice sounded. Shepard stirred slightly.

"Shepard, get out of bed now. This facility is under attack."

Shepard's eyes shot open, as pain flooded every part of her body. She ran her hand across her jaw. She felt several oddly shaped scars. A quick examination told her that she sported several more. They all burned.

"Shepard your scars aren't fully healed," The voice sounded over the PA, almost sympathetically. "but you need to get moving _now_." Shepard hopped off the bed, lances of pain shooting up her legs as she landed.

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. Hurry!" Shepard hobbled over to the locker in question and fried the lock. Along with part of the locker.

_Odd. My biotics seem much stronger._

She opened the remains of the door, and grabbed at the contents. A pistol, along with some sort of uniform. It seemed to be padded for light protection. It sported a logo that was tantalizingly familiar. She shrugged, then pulled it on, and checked the charge on the pistol. There wasn't one.

_What the hell._

"Shepard look out!" Several canisters by the door seemed to have caught fire. Shepard decided to assume that the red color of the containers meant explosive, and ducked behind a medical console. The explosion shattered several displays, but Shepard was unharmed by the blast. She tried to establish a barrier, but found she was unable to.

_This is not the time to be walking off sedatives._

Shepard moved towards the door, surprised by the holographic display that popped up. She opened the door, finding a dead body in the hallway, two smoldering holes in his chest. He clutched a pistol in his hand. Shepard checked the charge on it.

_At least it has power. But what kind of gun only has eleven shots left. No-one should ever let it get that low. Especially since a med lab doesn't see much action. He should've replaced them by now._

She examined the body further. She found an I.D. in one pocket.

She read the name on it: B. Sullivan. She checked the other pocket. She found several small power cells there.

_What good are these? Unless…they're clips!_

She checked her pistol, sure enough there appeared to be an eject button near the trigger guard. She popped a fresh power cell into the weapon. The charge now read twelve.

_Something's not right here._

She opened the door behind the corpse and saw a slightly smoking pile of robotic parts.

_Autonomous combat drones? Those are supposed to be prototypes. Where in hell did they get these?_

A door opened to her right. Shepard turned as several bullets zipped past her ears. Another drone stood atop a small ramp, a door closing behind it. Shepard almost grinned.

_At least they still can't shoot for shit._

She brought her gun up, and placed three rounds through its head. It collapsed onto the floor, then slid down the ramp. Shepard proceeded through the door it had come from, only to find herself in another lab. Another door ahead of her opened, and several drones poured out at once, guns blazing. Unable to return fire, Shepard summoned a torrent of biotic energy; she stood, bringing it to bear on the drones. Then she let it go. A blinding flash lit the room, and air whistled around Shepard, threatening to knock her off her feet.

After the gale subsided, Shepard stood there gazing at the carnage, slightly impressed. Half of the lab had been uprooted, tables were smashed, monitors shattered, chairs splintered. The floor was missing a few tiles, as was the ceiling. There was nothing left of the drones.

_I'll have to do a better job controlling my biotics from now on. They must've upgraded my implants while I was out._

She picked her away through the wreckage, and progressed through the facility. Corpses littered the hallway around her. She stepped carefully around them, and arrived at a service elevator. She was about to activate it when a large group of drones fired on her from below. She palmed the button, and then began to return fire as she descended. When she reached their level, she built up a singularity and sent it flying towards them. She sprinted past them, and locked the door behind her. Shepard then turned, and sprinted down the next hallway, and up a flight of stairs. She arrived at what looked like a tram station, two balconies separated by a small chasm. A small firefight was developing here, a lone guard on her side shooting at several drones on the other. Shepard took aim, and brought down three of the robots in a flurry of gunfire. The rest spotted her and re-directed her fire. Shepard sprinted over to join the guard.

"Shepard? What are you doing here?" He seemed to forget the drones across the chasm, staring instead at Shepard.

"Just woke up. You probably know more than I do."

"Where's Sullivan, he was supposed to…"

Shepard shook her head.

"Damn."

"What's our next step?" Shepard asked, eager to move on.

"First step, we finish off these metal bastards." He raised his arm, biotic energy rippling around it, and tossed one of the mechs into the air. Shepard did the same, pulling two into the air. The remaining drones fell back. Shepard felt a slight rush as she dispatched another mech with her pistol. The sedatives were beginning to wear off.

"Alright, through here. This is the fastest route to the shuttles." He gestured towards the nearest door. Shepard nodded. But privately she couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. The symbol that was on her uniform, Jacob's armor, and sported on several walls and windows seemed _very_ familiar. She knew she had seen it before, she just couldn't remember where. She took point as they continued on.

"This is the server control room. Just beyond it is the shuttle bay." Jacob entered an override code on the door's holographic keypad. Shepard just barely stopped herself from screaming in frustration.

_The layout of this facility makes no sense!_

"Got it." The door slid open. Beyond it lay several bodies. One was still moving.

"Wilson?" Jacob helped the injured man into a sitting position. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Trying to shut down the mechs. It didn't work, whoever did this fried the whole system. Completely irreversible."

Jacob shook his head at that, taking a step back. His hand tightened around the pistol grip. "Why do you even have security mech clearance? You worked in the bio wing."

Wilson's face turned red. "I came here to try and fix this. Besides, I was shot! How do you explain that?"

Shepard stepped between them. "Why don't we get out of here before we start pointing fingers?"

She stepped towards a medi-gel dispenser on the opposite wall.

_What the? That's against several laws. This stuff isn't even technically legal. They can't just have wall dispensers for it._

A body lay near the dispenser. It was an balding man sporting a labcoat. Shepard stared. That labcoat looked _really_ familiar. She shook herself, and returned to Wilson, dressing his wounds. He stood after she finished.

"Thanks Shepard, guess that makes us even now."

"Right." Jacob muttered. "Now we just need to find Miranda and…"

Wilson scoffed. "Miranda was over in D wing. Mechs were all over that sector."

"A bunch of Mechs won't drop Miranda, she's alive."

Wilson shook his head, smiling condescendingly. "If so, where is she, why haven't we heard from her? Either she's dead or…" Wilson trailed off, letting the silence finish his thought. Shepard, more than slightly frustrated, decided to step in.

"Then why did she wake me up and warn me about the attack?"

Wilson conceded the point. "Okay, that still doesn't change the facts. We're here, she's not. We need to get out while we can." Jacob nodded solemnly. A trio of mechs chose that moment to burst through the doors to the group's left and open fire. Wilson's omni-tool flared, and a stack of explosive crates erupted, decimating the robots.

"That's it," he grinned "lets get out of here."

Shepard took point again, but Jacob saw that she also adopted a stance that allowed her to turn around quickly. It was a stance taken when you were alone, with no-one else to watch your back. Or if you didn't trust others to. Glancing down, he realized that he was poised similarly. He sighed.

"Look, we're not going anywhere if we're all expecting a shot in the back." Shepard turned around to face Jacob, but something caught her eye. The labcoat adorned corpse.

"Shepard, if I tell you who we work for, will you trust me?" Shepard was barely paying attention, her eyes flash from the labcoat, to one of the symbols on a nearby wall. She let out a low growl.

"Cerberus." She brought her gun around, not _quite_ pointed in their direction.

"Shepard?" Jacob looked confused.

"You're Cerberus." She almost spat these words at him. She backed away further.

Jacob took a step towards her, but froze when he saw the look in her eye.

"Shepard what are you…" Shepard didn't hear the rest of it, she bolted down the hallway behind her.

"Nice going Jacob."

They ran after her, following the path of smoldering mechanical pieces, bullet holes, and open doors. Shepard had almost reached the shuttles when they caught up to her. She turned towards them, gun brandished. They froze. The three of them stood there for several seconds, each waiting for another to make the first move. None of them did. Behind the Cerberus operatives, a door opened and a wave of mechs poured out. Shepard's eyes widened. Then her humanity kicked in. She used threw the two men aside and began firing into the tide of droids.

"Get to the shuttles!" She shouted, barely making herself heard over the gunfire. Wilson began working on the door, and Jacob settled behind a small couch to return fire. The fight lasted only a few seconds, the lash mech hitting the floor just as Wilson shouted.

"Got it!"

Shepard and Jacob jogged back as the door opened, revealing a very familiar woman standing there, a pistol pointed at Wilson's face.

"Miranda?" He asked, shocked. "But you're" A gunshot echoed throughout the chamber. Wilson's body hit the floor with a dull thud. Shepard brought her gun up.

"Dead?" The woman drawled, disdainfully.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jacob shouted at the woman.

"My job." She replied without a trace of emotion. "Wilson betrayed us all."

"Are you sure, we knew Wilson for years, what if you're wrong?"

She smiled icily at that. "I'm never wrong. I thought you'd have learned that by now Jacob." She turned to stare at Shepard. Shepard stared back impassively, her gun still trained on Miranda. "Not exactly the trusting type I see."

"You'll forgive me for being a bit uneasy around terrorists. Most Cerberus operatives I've met tried to kill me." Miranda shot a glare at Jacob. But Shepard shook her head.

"The company logo is painted on every visible surface." Miranda looked taken aback.

"How do you know what-" The corners of Shepard's mouth moved slightly upwards.

"This wasn't exactly my first visit. I'm really noticing the lack of sick genetic experiments. Not enough room in the budget?" An explosion sounded in the distance. More alarms blared.

"As much as I've enjoyed chatting here, perhaps we could continue it elsewhere?" Jacob nodded, and glanced at Shepard. Reluctantly, she lowered the gun and followed them into a shuttle. During the shuttle ride, Miranda explained to her the various aspects of Project Lazarus. Shepard was utterly surprised at what the budget had been, and how easily that had been surpassed.

"Now if you don't mind, I'd like to ask a few questions to evaluate your mental condition."

Jacob looked at her as if she had to be joking. "Come on Miranda, she took down dozens of mechs back there with no trouble. That's gotta be enough."

Miranda looked at him sternly. "It's been two years since the attack. We need to be sure Shepard did not sustain lasting brain damage."

_Two years?_

Her mind flashed back to the station. The new power cells, updated amps, holographic door interfaces, and availability of medi-gel. It seemed so obvious in hindsight.

"Two years and twelve days." Jacob said catching the look in Shepard's eye. "And you were on an operating table for most of it."

"The sooner we start, the sooner we can be done." Miranda said irritated. "Start with personal history." Jacob activated his omni-tool, it projected a display of Shepard's personal information.

"Alright, records show that you were a colonist. Grew up on Mindoir." He stared at the screen again. Then he swallowed. Shepard started grinding her teeth as memories fought their way to the surface. She forced them back down as Jacob moved on, wanting to change the surface. Miranda just stared at Shepard "You enlisted at sixteen, and after series of successful missions, you and your squad leader were both recommended for N7 class training. Before that was approved, you were shipped to Akuze. There you survived an attack by a group of thresher maws. What happened?"

"I survived the attack by Cerberus," She looked pointedly at Miranda, who tried to speak, only to be silenced by Jacob. "Because my squad leader saved me. Then I walked back to the extraction zone." Miranda clearly wanted more, but Jacob moved on.

"Okay. Let's see, Eden Prime, Therum, Feros, Noveria, Virmire. Shepard, on Virmire when you stopped Saren's cloning facility; you had to leave one of your squad behind to die in the blast. You chose Lt. Alenko. Your call. Why did you leave him behind?"

"Do you think it was easy?" Shepard's eyes literally flashed, courtesy of Cerberus' enhancements. "I left behind a damn good soldier, one of my friends. Left him to die because of _my_ goddamn plan. I left him to die because I couldn't get back fast enough, and I had to save everyone that I could." Jacob held up his hands to stave of Shepard's assault.

"Commander, I didn't mean it like that. I understand. Everyone at Cerberus knows that the facility had to be destroyed." He stopped when he saw the was Shepard was glaring at him. Miranda just smirked."

She examined her omni-tool display as well. "It also seems that you were involved with the daughter of a Matriarch Benezia during your mission."

A crackle of biotic energy surged along Shepard's body. "None of your damn business."

The rest of the trip passed in silence.


	9. Old friends, new scars

Shepard sat back in a darkened room, propped up against an overturned sofa with a clear view out the window. Her eyes darted across the path below her. She was currently in the upper floor of a large house on Omega. The building was situated along a minor skylane on the station, a small bridge extending across it to connect the estate to the major routes. The normally clean bridge was now littered with corpses, a destroyed Ymir mech, and a crashed skycar.

_How appropriate._

Shepard grimaced.

_Just like my last time on Omega._

The only difference was that now, she had a team with her, guarding her back. Miranda and Jacob occupied the floor below, using small arms and biotics to cut down those who got too close. Garrus was camped out across the room from Shepard, and between the two of them, those below hadn't had to fire a round. The majority of the local Eclipse mercenary group lay strewn about the walkway, bleeding from various body parts. Those left standing had huddled behind whatever cover they could find. It wasn't enough. Shepard sighted in on one who was hiding behind a crashed skycar. Only a corner of his helmet was visible, but it was enough. Shepard squeezed the trigger. The exposed side of his helmet shattered. His body slumped to the floor, blood and bits of grey matter spilling out past his shoulder. As Shepard recycled the bolt on her rifle, another mercenary reflexively peeked out behind his cover, his eyes scanning for the source of the shot. Garrus' next shop stilled their movement. As the newest corpse hit the floor, three more mercenaries popped out to spray bullets at the house. Their aim was off, and their firing was haphazard at best. Shepard and Garrus fired in quick succession. Within seconds, the three exposed mercenaries fell to the ground, now lacking a substantial amount of their initial blood supply. Garrus swore.

"You're slipping 'Archangel'." Shepard taunted. "I believe that puts me ahead."

Garrus only grunted in reply. He'd come a long way since their old mission against Saren, and as happy as he was to see his friend and mentor alive again, he still wanted to show her how much he'd improved. Unfortunately for him, it seemed that being dead for two years hadn't slowed her down a bit.

Shepard allowed herself a slight smirk. Garrus was shooting much better thatn he had when she'd arrived. It wasn't noticeable to most others. It was subtle. Rounds hitting their intended target a hair's breadth away from what should've been their intended targets. An extra millisecond before squeezing the trigger. Before Shepard arrived, Garrus was shooting adequately. Now he was shooting exceptionally. It helped, having a standard to compare against. Shepard grinned.

_Even if I do have to turn it down a bit to give him a chance._

"Oh come on." Garrus complained as his next round struck an asari who'd tried to run. "This is just too easy."

battle cries just before a large contingent of blood back mercenaries charged out onto the bridge. At the same moment, intrusion alarms sounded from the basement.

"Get back up here! Cover the stairs!" Shepard shouted to Jacob and Miranda.

She tossed aside her sniper rifle and pulled out her avenger. She moved to the window and began firing into the onrushing horde of krogan and vorcha.

Just before the sounds of combat drowned out all else, Garrus heard Shepard taunt, "You just had to open your mouth, Vakarian."

Having no response, and remembering how he'd done the exact same thing on Nepmos, Garrus pulled out his vindicator, and began to spray rounds in a futile attempt to stem the tide of hostiles.

* * *

"Dammit!" Garrus growled.

It was partially because of the pain. The new Normandy, being a Cerberus vessel, didn't come equipped with painkillers for turians. But it was also because, to pass the time while he was undergoing surgery, he was reviewing his visor's footage of the battle and tallying up the kills. He lay in the med bay of the Normandy, being treated for a wound he'd taken when the blue suns had brought in their air support. They'd driven back the blood pack, but the gunship had managed to get a lucky shot while he'd been wrestling a krogan. Even before he was incapacitated however, Shepard had taken the lead on kills. Not only that, but it wasn't even close.

"Spirits, Shepard." He rewound some of the footage, and watched Shepard take Garm's weapon away from him, and then shoot him repeatedly with it. "What did Cerberus _do_ to you?"

* * *

Up in her cabin, Shepard was having similar thoughts. She was in the bathroom, staring at her mirror. She ran a hand absentmindedly along her newly acquired scars. She gazed at her reflection in the mirror. As she looked into her eyes, she saw that the normally brilliant green had been mixed with streaks of orange. Slowly, the reality began to sink in.

_I…I died._

Shepard felt anger boil up inside of her. Biotics flared along the length of her arms.

"What more do you want from me?" She shouted at no one in particular. Receiving no response, Shepard slammed her fist into the mirror, splintering her reflection. "Haven't I done enough?"

The mirror was cracked heavily. In some places, pieces of glass had fallen to the floor. Shepard starred at the distorted image before her. The way it warped her features. The patches of her that were missing.

_How fitting._

"I should have died." She whispered.

Shepard fell to her knees, no longer able to keep herself upright. Images of everyone she'd ever lost, everyone she'd ever let down flashed through her mind. All her failures. All her mistakes.

"Why did it have to be me?"

She would've cried, but Cerberus hadn't though repairing her tear ducts would have been worth the investment.


	10. Accipere quam facere praestat injuriam

Shepard watched as the Normandy settled into dock. Her first impression of Illium was that it looked nice.

_Then again, so did Bekenstien, and look how that turned out._

She stood in the airlock, dressed in her updated N7 armor, various small arms concealed within its frame. In the bridge, Joker let out a small sigh. It was always like this. Shepard was always mission ready. Most of the time that was a good thing, but it wasn't exactly healthy, taking everything on herself like she did.

"Someone _really _needs to learn to delegate." He whispered. Shepard heard him. The audio implants, courtesy of Cerberus, allowed her to. She brushed off the comment.

_I am _not_ overworked._

Her mission record so far said otherwise. First she'd ordered the Normandy to Omega, rescued Garrus, and cured a plague affecting the lower levels of the station. Then they shut down two Blue suns operations, one on a prison ship called Purgatory, the other on the recycling world of Korlus. After _that_, She'd taken them to Horizon, and defended it against the Collector assault. But, despite their best efforts, half the colony was taken. Shepard was still kicking herself over that. Horizon brought back painful memories for her, so she threw herself at new missions with almost reckless abandon. On Haestrom, she cut a path straight through the geth, in many cases, her biotics leaving nothing but scrap, and managed to rescue Tali. She'd helped Kasumi on Bekenstien, and Zaeed on Zorya. Not to mention all the distress calls they'd responded to. At this point, Shepard was running on four hours of sleep a night. She insisted on leading every ground mission, but rotated crew constantly. Now they were on Illium, with _two_ dossiers to pursue, and Shepard had insisted that the entire crew take shore leave. Joker would've punched the console in front of him, if he wouldn't break his arm in the process. Instead, Joker opened the airlock, so that Shepard could go do her thing. He was thinking about locking her in her quarters later, when a flashing light on the console caught his attention.

"We have an incoming message." EDI's voice resounded throughout the bridge.

"Onscreen." He scrolled over the report from Illium Traffic Control. Then he paused. "EDI, who instructed them to wave docking fees?" A smile split his face with the reply. Maybe Shepard would find some time to relax on Illium after all.

* * *

Shepard was ushered into the office just in time to overhear the last few words of a call that the woman in the room was making.

"Have you faced an Asari commando unit before? Few humans have." Those words alone were enough to freeze Shepard in her tracks. Not so much the words themselves, as who last spoke them. And who was speaking them now.

_No. Liara's nothing like her mother._

_Then why is she threatening people?_

Shepard was interrupted from her thoughts by Liara as she ended the call and turned to face her. The Asari's face brightened, and Shepard heart soared. The two women embraced, the embrace quickly turning into a kiss. Shepard felt warmth flood through her, as her skin brushed up against the woman that had once brought meaning back into her life. And then Liara did something unexpected. She pulled away. Extracting herself from Shepard's arms, she set her face and took a seat behind her desk, motioning for Shepard to have a seat opposite her. Shepard felt the joy flee from her as quickly as it came. A cold dread filled the newly created void.

_She…she's moved on._

_What did you expect?_

_I just…I don't know._

_It's been two years. And didn't you want her to move on?_

_I…yes. I guess I did._

Setting her face as well, she took a seat opposite her onetime lover.

"What can I do for you?"

* * *

Joker watched as Shepard walked back through the Normandy's airlock. If he'd thought that a stay on Illium might've helped the Commander, one look at her showed him how wrong he was. There were dark circled under her eyes, which lacked their normal life. Her shoulders sagged slightly, and her movements were almost robotic. He opened his mouth to speak, but Shepard simply walked by him, telling him to take off. Both Samara and Thane had arrived earlier, but Shepard had stayed on Ilium for a while longer, helping Liara silence some of the Shadow Broker's sources. She then proceeded to her cabin and locked herself in. Garrus, Tali, and EDI all made separate attempts to talk to her, but Tali and Garrus were stopped by her locked door, and EDI only managed to get out a few words before Shepard muted her. After a few words with Joker, Tali and Garrus left the ship, determined to see a certain Asari.

"What the hell are you doing?" Garrus demanded, barging through Liara's office door.

She looked up, startled. Garrus stormed up to her desk, all but growling at her. Tali stood in the corner, arms crossed. It wasn't an easy thing, projecting emotion through a envirosuit helmet, but Tali managed it. She _radiated_ fury.

"Do you have any idea what you're doing to her?" Liara tried to speak, but her voice wasn't cooperating, and in any case, Garrus didn't want to hear it. "Two years, she's been _dead_ for _two years,_ and that's that? She saved your life, she saved the Galaxy, she's saving it again now, she still finds time to help you with your Shadow Broker problems, and you treat her with complete indifference?" It took all of her concentration to keep her face stoic, her tears from leaking out. Garrus leaned towards her. "She cares about you Liara." He examined her closely. "And I thought you cared about her."

With that, he left. Tali paused to shoot Liara a withering glance before leaving as well. Finally, Liara couldn't hold it in any more. Several tears leaked from her eyes. She glanced at the box on her desk, pointed so that only she could see it's contents. Slowly, she brought a finger up to her lips, and then down to rest on the dogtags, just Shepard's name. Then she picked up the box, and calmly placed it in one of her desk drawers. The tears were gone. Her mask was back in place. It tore her up.


	11. Save me, and I will save you

"With this I can give you…"

Liara paused as the events of the past few days finally began to sink in, now that she finally had the time to think. Her goal, her drive, her objective for the past two years was now a few scattered radioactive particles. Her arch rival, the creature who wanted to give Shepard's corpse to the collectors, the infamous Shadow Broker was dead. In his place now, for all intents and purposes, was Liara. The largest information network in the galaxy, and it was now hers. On the outside, Liara managed to keep a straight face, but on the inside, she was in turmoil. The realization of her longtime goal, her revenge, had passed. She had expected to feel satisfied. Instead, the only word she could think of to describe how she felt was…hollow. In truth, she had expected the Shadow Broker to dominate her life for another few years at the very least. Instead, he was gone. All because of…

_Shepard_

In that moment, when her emotions were still chaotic, and her judgment clouded, Liara's mental barrier slipped ever so slightly, as it did, Liara became aware of another set of powerful, almost overwhelming emotions. These emanated from Shepard. Liara felt the normally withdrawn woman's feelings flow through the gap, and for the first time, felt the full extent of the pain she was causing Shepard. She felt the anguish, the grief, and most of all, the regret. Liara realized that every moment they spent together was a living nightmare for Shepard, yet she'd still come halfway across the galaxy to help a drell she'd never met, and kill a creature who'd never crossed her. It reminded Liara of the pein she'd felt eminate from Shepard back after Virmire. The only difference was that then, Liara had been able to help ease the pain. Now, she had no one.

You are the cause of this.

A voice in her head spoke.

Was it really worth doing this to her? To yourself?

For the past few years, Liara had come to believe that her emotions were nothing more than a distraction. After Shepard had died, Liara was the only one unable to move on with her life. Even after she'd handed Shepard to Cerberus, she still work up crying. Only thoughts of revenge had been able to restrain her feelings, to keep her focused. Now her rival was dead, her friend rescued, and Shepard was alive again. Alive, and still the same woman she was two years ago.

"I can…" Liara repeated, for once, at a loss for words.

* * *

Shepard heard the uncertainty in her voice. The turmoil. Before thinking, she took two steps forward and wrapped her arms tightly around Liara. The asari turned, eagerly returning the embrace. After a few moments, their bodies separated, yet their hands remained tightly locked together. Shepard mover her face forward, and their lips brushed gently. Then Liara pulled away. Shepard felt the small flicker of hope that had been growing insider her, die out.

"This isn't…I can't…" Liara lowered her hear and withdrew her arms. Her voice cracked as she continued to speak. "It's been two years. We're different people."

Shepard stared at Liara, her vision slightly blurred.

_No we're not. I'm still the same._

Shepard let her own mental defenses slide, and felt Liara's emotions course through her.

_And thought you don't act like it, I know you are too._

Shepard brought a hand to Liara's chin, lifting it gently, and returning the asari's gaze to her. They both stared softly into each other's eyes for a moment, and then Shepard leaned forward again. This time, even with all of Liara's private doubts, the kiss was eagerly returned. They stood there, frozen in time, as all of their mental barricades finally crumbled. And as the shared sensations flowed through them, the negative sentiments were almost imperceptible compared to the overabundance of joy that they both shared. The two of them could've stayed in that state forever, but the need for air forced them apart. They stood there for several moments, each waiting for conscious thought to return, and content to drink in their shared presence until it did.

"Okay." Liara finally whispered. "Okay.

She moved away and accessed the nearest console. "I'll establish a secure link to the Normandy and send you any data I find on the collectors." She typed in a long string of commands. "I'll also add the Normandy to the ship's docking protocols" Then she began muttering to herself. "Well, first I'll have to create the protocols." Then she spoke aloud again. "Feel free to stop by whenever you like."

Shepard nodded, and moved toward the exit. "I will." She paused at the door to the Shadow Broker's chambers. "Don't be a stranger this time."

There was no malice in her voice, and Liara took it in the intended spirit.

"Fat chance of that happening." Liara smiled.

Shepard left quietly, leaving Liara to her work. It took her quite some time to get started, every time she tried to get started, Liara's thoughts would quickly drift back to a certain human SpecTRe.

"Thank you, Shepard."


	12. It's the wound you can't see-

"Shepard." The Illusive Man sighed, withdrawing a cigarette from his mouth. "You're making a habit of costing me time and money."

"At what point did I ever give you the impression that I worked for you, or for Cerberus? It was my call, not yours." Shepard responded, evenly. "That facility needed to be destroyed."

The Illusive Man stood, and through the quantum entanglement link, glared at her. He artificial eyes flickered angrily.

"I should've known you'd choke on the tough decisions. You're far too idealistic."

"The Collectors were kidnapping colonists to turn them into a Reaper." Shepard threw back. "Is that your 'brighter vision of humanity'? Giant, mindless machines?"

"That's your solution to everything Shepard, kill it. If you can't kill it, you blow it up. Illos, Virmire, Sovereign, and now the Collectors."

Disgusted, Shepard turned away and prepared to step out of the holographic projector.

"Don't turn your back on me Shepard!" The Illusive Man all but shouted. " I made you. I brought you back from the dead."

Shepard spun around, and for once in his life, the leader of Cerberus almost cringed. Shepard was livid. Her normally brilliant green eyes flashed a bright orange. Her various cybernetic scars seemed to glow.

"Do you want me to thank you for that?" She growled. "Was that supposed to be a favor? You brought me back to do a job. You brought me back as a weapon. I'm not, and let me tell you exactly what I'm going to do now. I'm going to win this war, and I'm going to do it without sacrificing the soul of our species."

Then she stepped backward, out of the range of her ship's projector, and disappeared from the Illusive Man's sight. He sat back down, pondering how things had gone so wrong. From all the Alliance's reports, she should've been ideal for recruitment. She was supposed to have been a cold, emotionless killer. He'd filled her ship with a trustworthy crew, mostly ex-allaince, some of whom had severed with Shepard earlier. He'd gone to great lengths to ruin her image to the Alliance and Council, to isolate her. He'd even fed that damned Dr. T'soni false reports on how Shepard had changed after the surgery. He'd lied, falsified, and deceived, even going so far as to professionally apologize for Akuze.

In short, he'd done everything possible to drive Shepard into Cerberus' arms. But for some reason, it hadn't worked. He must have underestimated her.

He leaned forward and tapped the intercom on his chair.

"Send me Agent Leng."

"I'm on my way back, o' incorrigible Shadow Broker. You didn't exactly see much of the new Normandy the last time you were aboard. I figured you'd like the tour." Shepard grinned almost imperceptibly.

She was again, standing in the Normandy's comm room, her posture relaxed, her hands lightly folded behind her back. This time she was talking to a very different, and much more blue, person.

"I'd like that." Liara smiled back.

"I'll see you soon Liara."

Liara waited patiently outside the airlock as the Normandy settled into dock.

Thankfully, it had been a slow day, so she could just task her drone to sort the newest information, and get to it later.

With a loud hiss, the corridor was pressurized, and Liara stepped into it. A short decontamination cycle later, she emerged onto the Normandy's bridge. Joker stood just inside, grinning broadly at her.

"Hello Jeff." She said, pleasantly.

"Hey Liara, it's been awhile. I'd hug you but..." He cocked his head sideways as if shrugging, but did not actually move his shoulders.

"Where is Shepard?" Liara asked, glancing around.

Joker's face darkened.

"There was a...complication on our last mission. Oh, not like that." He amended, seeing the look of horror forming on Liara's face. "Shepard's fine. She's in her cabin. It's been hard for her." He sighed heavily, then brightened back up. "But lets not dwell on that now. Let me give you the tour. You'll love the new Normandy."

As he finished, a blue hologram materialized on a console beside him.

"That is not a predictable assumption Joker. Few individuals place the same significance on the ship that you do. Furthermore, you recall that it took The Commander several weeks to grow accustomed to this Normandy, and she lived aboard. It is impossible to accurately predict what Ms. T'soni's reaction will be." It stated evenly, in a robotic, yet feminine, voice.

Joker rolled his eyes. "Thanks EDI." He looked knowingly at Liara, then remembered that she'd never interacted with EDI. "She's the ship's AI."

Liara performed the asari equivalent of raising an eyebrow. "I can't imagine Shepard approved of the ship being outfitted with an AI."

"She was less than enthusiastic." EDI admitted. "However, she was one of the few who came to my defense when Jeff unshackled me. Not many organically would have done the same." She winked out of existence.

"Don't take her too seriously." Joker began walking away for they bridge. "She's a real kidder, loves hazing the new arrivals."

"I can only imagine." Liara chuckled, following closely.

"Well," Joker said as they entered the elevator again. "That's the ship, sorry you couldn't have taken the tour earlier, we had some crazy characters aboard a few weeks ago. Not many of us left now." He admitted. "Shepard collects crazy like stray kittens." He sighed.

"What's wrong?" Liara asked.

"Shepard's been called in by Alliance brass. The Illusive man 'leaked' some of the details on Shepard's operations with Cerberus." He admitted. "It's been hard for her. Especially after our last op."

"I haven't heard much about that. My contacts in the Bahak system have been unusually quiet." Liara said cautiously.

"Well, I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for them to report in."

Liara gaped. "You can't mean...the whole system?"

Joker nodded. "Advance Reaper fleet was going to use the relay there to invade. So Shepard crashed an asteroid into it as they approached. Took out the whole force, but the colonies were lost." He finished, solemnly.

The elevator dinged, mad the doors rolled open.

"Going to reenact some scenes from Vænia?" He asked as Liara stepped out, some of his joviality returned.

Liara spun to face him. After examining his face for a few moments, she spoke. "I do not even want to know."

Joker smirked, and took the elevator back down. As the doors slid shut, Liara turned to face the far more imposing ones before her. She took a deep breath, then keyed the door open.


	13. -that needs the most healing

Liara stepped into Shepherd's cabin. It was a definite step up from the last one. Model ships of all shapes and sizes hung in a large clear display case, and a tank filled with exotic marine life dominated the wall to her left. She could see Shepard's copies of the eleven military classics tucked into a shelf above the room's workspace. Shepherd herself was sitting further into the probe in the depression that served as a living space.

Cautiously, Liara stepped through the cabin and sealed herself next to her. Shepherd looked up at her with sad, almost mournful eyes.

"Hey Liara." Shepherd smiled faintly, clasping Liara's hand tightly.

"Shepard." Liara smiled in return, squeezing Shepard's hand back. Liara leaned in to kiss her bondmate lightly on the cheek.

To her surprise, Shepard's eyes tear up and she looked away.

"No." Liara hurt her whisper. "Not again."

Liara clasped Shepard's hand with both of hers to prevent it from being pulled away.

"Liara." Shepard began, hurting nearly needed boys carrying easily across the complete silence of the room. Liara sensed a flood of turbulent emotions rolling off her as she spoke. "My father never really came back from Shanxi, my family died on Mindoir, my squad died on Akuze, I lost Kaidan on Virimire, and I lost Ashley on Horizon."

Her eyes dried and began to take on a dead look. The same Liara had seen many times from Shepard. "I've lost so many people over the years. People I care about, that are irreplaceable to me. Friends, family, comrades."

She took Liara's hands in hers. "I need to know that I'm never going to lose you two." We are blinked several times, her vision becoming increasingly blurred every time she closed her eyes. "I've survived so much Liara." Shepard continued, her voice no more than a hoarse whisper.

"But I don't think I can survive losing you."

For few moments, the silence was almost material.

"As long as you promise me the same." Liara finally answered after basking in her bondmate's fear, pain, and sincerity.

Shepard smiled, the same genuine smile that Liara had grown used to seeing.

"Done." Not wasting another beat to silence.

"Then I promise, no matter what comes our way, I will never leave your side." Liara vowed.

Leaning forward, Shepard kissed Liara gently. The threat of the reapers was still out there, Cerberus was still hunting them, but that night, Shepard had more important things on her mind.


End file.
